Home » 2010 (Page 24)
It was my child who taught me to understand so clearly that all people are equal in their humanity and that all have the same human rights. I might never have learned this in any other way. I may have gone on in the arrogance of my own intolerance for those less able than myself. My child taught me humanity” -Pulitzer and Nobel Prize winning author, Pearl S. Buck
The house sweet in this neck of the woods is most definitely the donut. Lovey is a donut-fiend from way back. I have no arguments with this whatsoever. I’ve never met a donut that I haven’t liked. We have one tasty local donut shop in the area, but mom-and-pop donut shops that employ work-release type folks for the overnight heavy labor are a dying breed. When we were in St. Louis we were in donut heaven with a handful of happy choices for non-chain delights. Oh how we miss it! Our little holes don’t fall far from the fryer. And the donut is such a common household item here that you are bearing witness to probably the only toddler on the planet to pass out halfway through her sweet-treat!
Come feast on sweets around the world starting with our lovely host Jane:
jane, ladybug-zen, ian, bonnie, esti, sophie, cele, modsquad,caitlin, joyce, ani, kim, natsumi, epe, kaylovesvintage, trinsch, c.t., jeannette, outi, ritva, francesca, state of bliss, jennifer, dana, denise, cabrizette, bohemia girl, isabelle, amber, a girl in the yellow shoes, mister e, janis, kari, jgy, skymring, elizabeth, allison, lise, cate, crescent moon, erin, otli, ida, caroline, lisa, dorte, kimmie, la lune dans le ciel, nicola, malo, vanessa, britta, april, b, kyndale samantha, karen, kristina, goldensunfamily, sophie, janet, mcgillicutty, aimee, sunnymama, jenell, britta, juanita, pamela, inna, daan, myrtille, cris, ibb, jodi, gillian, travelingmama
“But Momma, I’m bigger now, that’s why I need the big half of the cinnamon roll.”
“We have to go to sleep now Momma. If we don’t Christmas Eve won’t come and it won’t snow!” (said to me on 1/29/10- because she heard me say to Lovey that it may snow tomorrow, edited to add she continued to talk about the need to put up a new Christmas tree all weekend)
“Momma, The Quail has grown up!” (said when she woke up and noticed that her sister wasn’t in the co-sleeper)
“Momma, are you all better? I was so worried when you were sick!”
“Momma, I don’t want to be grumpy! Waaaahhhhhhhh!!!”
“Momma you have to use your happy manners if you want to be happy”
“Momma you have to be nice to your friend Daddy, Sorry is a good thing to say”
“Gramma, I”m going to be a teacher, a ballerina, a doctor and a mommie to 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10 babies- all girls!”
“Girls are princesses and boys are bears”
“Momma you have to be nice to be a good Christian”
“God the Father, God the Father- All-the-men, All-the-men..Yayyyyyyy!!!!”
So the Quail and I are definitely done with our nursing relationship. It’s been a while since we tried and this weekend I thought I would give it one last try. I hate to think in ultimatums. And I did hold out one last bit of hope that as her imitations skills grew perhaps seeing her sister nurse would inspire her. A few weeks ago we were in declutter mode at home and Lovey asked if I was done with the bottle nipples I was using in nursing practice. I really hadn’t thought about it in a few weeks and it gave me a small pang to admit I was done. But I told him to go ahead and pack them up. Then a few hours later still ruminating on it I went and got one out to keep in my bedside stand just in case. I guess there is still a part of me that sees it as defeat and doesn’t like that.
But life goes on and I need to as well I guess. I need to have some peace about it. I think I mentioned my conversation earlier with Bad Mama about nursing and how she talked me through the fact that yes, the Quail did not no how to nurse, did not have the physical stamina to nurse, had sensory issues related to nursing and we did work through all of those. So yes, she did technically learn to nurse. Now she makes an active choice not to nurse. I know plenty of babies end up weaning early on for one reason or another. For me the fact that my 3 year old is still so devoted to the breast, it makes it hard for me to see that another baby of mine is not so devoted. But I’m sure this is just the first in a long line of life lessons in recognizing family resemblances but allowing for individual differences. The Quail definitely has a will of her own. I can probably credit her sturdy neck tone to all of her fighting and shoving away from me in nursing practices.
So I’m working on not being sad about this. Or taking it as a personal failure. It’s funny because when I talk to other mom’s about nursing difficulties I would never think to blame them for it not working out, or tell them that they just didn’t apply themselves enough. So why I’m being so rough on myself I have no idea. I’m the first one to emphasize how hard nursing is to a new mom. The Quail did nurse. Our last most successful nursing that happily stands out in my head was during a therapy session after weeks of no luck. She latched on, settled in and nursed with the assistance of a bottle nipple and swaddle but little struggle otherwise. Kathy passed me a note quietly during it exclaiming, “Beautiful!” And it was. When we weighed her afterwards she had taken in a full 4 oz. A full feed, in 20 minutes from a little girl that months earlier struggled to extract a half ounce from me. That is success. It was sweet, it was natural, it was a triumph for both of us. Shortly after that we began 3 months of her being ill, stuffed up and the nursing strikes. We won’t be continuing to nurse but we did nurse. Yes we did.
My goal is two-fold now. First and foremost to focus on a snuggly bond with the Quail. Lovey hesitantly brought up our bond a few days ago. He said he wasn’t sure how I would react so he hadn’t wanted to point it out so blatantly before. But he felt like things had improved with my relationship with the Quail since we had given up our struggling nursing sessions. She responds more brightly, more openly and trustingly to my entering a room. She snuggles is when I pick her up and seems to feel confident in her home on my hip. She pats my cheek and gnaws on my chin. In the morning when I nurse Zuzu before work we have taken to snuggling up together as a threesome on the bed, Zuzu to one side and the Quail on my lap while we read a couple of quick stories. I still get to breathe in the scent of my heartsongs before I have to go out in the world. It gives me peace. It centers me and gives me strength. I’m no longer mentally focused on how to get everyone to be quiet and sit still in a house that is notoriously lively and full of energy just to reach one small part of a self-imposed goal. I’m no longer snapping at Zuzu or asking her to go to another room so that I can nurse her sister. That part of how things had become had always bothered me and hurt my heart as well as Zuzus. The thing I was most proud of when the Quail came home was the kindness with which Zuzu had welcomed her into our little nursing circle. To shove her out was not kind or natural. So ironically the upside of letting go of nursing the Quail is a stronger bond between all of us. And isn’t that bond one of the main reasons we nurse our babies in the first place?
The second part of the goal is the breastmilk itself. I hope to supply it in full to the Quail, first through her first birthday next month. Then hopefully through this cold and flu season that has been so hard on her little immune system. And this summer we’ll begin the transition to whole milk.
I feel good about these goals. They feel manageable.
1. A family out hunting and gathering for Panera treats and the weeks groceries while I’m left with baby-snuggling duty
2. lastFM.com
3. being able to stomach a cafe au’ lait again after a tummy bug
4. the baby nuzzling into my neck when I pick her up to my shoulder
5. my 3 year old alarm clock, “Momma, it’s 7-4-4, that means it is time to wake up!”
6. the luxury of staying in bed until 7-4-4
7. feeling gratitude
8. making birthday lists
9. seeing my bridesmaid dress!
10. seeing Auntie Deb’s wedding dress!
11. the baby not getting the nasty tummy bug (yet…)
12.the promise of snow
13. the return of my milk after an illness
14. meeting new families in the community
15. lunch with friends
16. getting caught up at work
17.Anita’s apple strudel
18. Zuzu and Lovey picking out treats for me at the bakery
19. The Quail kissing her baby
20. The Quail signing Mama
21. the weekend starting out with nobody feeling sick! Yay-hoo!
Today I explained telepathy to you,
and telephone, and television,
on the way to day care,
and I said, sometimes when I’m at work
I’ll think of you,
and if I could send you that thought with my mind,
you’d get it right then,
and maybe you’d smile, stopping a moment at whatever
you were doing, or maybe not
but just going on with it, making a mask out of paper plates
and orange and green cards
with markers and scissors and paste,
or screaming circles in the gym
either being a monster
or being chased by a gang of them, but still you’d get
the picture I was beaming
and you’d brighten inside and flash me something back,
which I’d get, where I was, and smile at.
That’s telepathy, I said
pulling into the parking lot,
looking at you in the mirror.
I fell in love with you heart & soul….it’s lucky this isn’t a vlog. I can’t carry a tune. But you get the idea. When I was full with this little bird in my womb, I worried about all that Zuzu would soon lack. Her upcoming precipitous fall from grace. Her lack of status as the number one, centerpiece of our worlds. I didn’t give her or this little bird the credit they deserved in what they would mean to and for each other. The credit for their rightful place in our little family and world. I worried as most second time mothers often due about how I could possibly fall in love with another little person and how we would make room for her in our lives. I even (as I now recognize as my hormonal state) cried about what we had done by bringing another baby into the house. I couldn’t see the joy of Zuzu getting to care for her little sister, the pride she would feel in her and in herself with her new role. The happiness that she would lap up as the gift of being part of a family. I just worried that she would feel neglect, jealousy, put-out by someone else being in our home and hearts. My mother, upon hearing this told me as only someone who has been a mother to multiple children for many years can; that my worry was ridiculous. Of course everyone would love the new little baby. You just do!
And she was right, you just do. You can’t plan for it, you can’t prepare for it psychologically and emotionally. You can just put out the well worn baby things your first precious used and explain to her what she used to do with each and how much you loved it when she smiled in her swing, giggled in her carseat, grabbed your face from her perch in the sling. And then let her put her own baby dolls in there and talk about how she will care for them. And then one day, enter the new baby… “my new baby” as Zuzu promptly claimed her. The moment her carseat was set down on the kitchen floor on that first evening home from the hospital, as Lovey and I watched on wearily and Gramma’s eyes lit up and urged Zuzu forward to greet her new sister; Zuzu shyly handed us the card she had proudly stickered with Gramma to welcome us home and leaned in and planted a firm kiss on the Quail proclaiming, “I love you baby Abby, Abigail Charlotte” and we all sighed and hugged our relief. That first weekend home Zuzu was repeatedly found trying to hold the baby’s hand and singing her rendition of the Barney, “I love you” alternated with “Happy Birthday”. We had spent much time talking about how the baby would nurse and when that first time to nurse came that first night home Zuzu was so patient waiting for me to get her sister situated and watching on with hound-dog eyes. When I invited her to join us she immediately picked up her sister’s hand and snuggled in.
W’e’ve all waited for our dear Quail. Some part of each of us seems to have known she was coming in one form or another. I feel a completeness when I look into her eyes that I don’t feel with anyone else I’ve met yet. I see where the eyes are the window to the soul now. There is a peacefulness when I sit holding this sweet girl that makes my heart swell with love and pride. I’m so grateful that she has come to us now, in this lifetime, at this time in our lives. From very early on I’ve felt a connection to the Quail. Even in the first few weeks after her birth. She would lock eyes with us when she was awake, she would turn to the sound of my voice across a room. When we pick her up, she plants her pudgy little palms on either side of our mouths and dives in to chew on our chins. When you pick up a receiving blanket she begins kicking and reaching up the second it is laid out over your shoulder. Once she is up in your arms she nuzzles in to your neck for a quick second and then sits firmly parcelled on your hip facing outward clear on her rightful place.
The ease with which she has turned us from a couple with a child into a family is one of the greatest blessings I could hope to ask for. There is a stereotype that children with Down syndrome are angels and filled with joy. When she was born I was annoyed with this platitude. And as she grew and I saw that joy radiating out of her and felt a peaceful quality that was purely from her heart and soul. I felt that I should get the credit for passing this trait onto her, or her sister should or her father- not the syndrome itself. Well as time has gone on I’ve seen that that joy belongs to her and her alone. It’s not the syndrome, it’s not us and what she inherited, it is just her- her heart, her soul, her peace. And how lucky are we that we get the opportunity to love and be with her.
Oh Mom, of course, you were right- we do just love her.
hangin' out
Have park? Will travel! Outside of our usual abode, we are most likely to be found at a park. We’re happy to visit anyone; so long as there is a park nearby! We come with a lot of energy in our little gaggle of legs and its best to expend it in the great outdoors. Pre-small-ones we were the quiet coffee shop by morning; dinner party by day and tavern by evening kind of folk. We still get to indulge in those- just with the understanding that we may need to sprint outside for well; a sprint!
caitlin, joyce, ani, kim, natsumi, epe, kaylovesvintage, trinsch, c.t., jeannette, outi, ritva, francesca, state of bliss, jennifer, dana, denise, cabrizette, bohemia girl, isabelle, amber, a girl in the yellow shoes, mister e, janis, kari, jgy, skymring, elizabeth, allison, lise, cate, crescent moon, erin, otli, ida, caroline, lisa, dorte, kimmie, nicola, vanessa, britta, april, b, kyndale samantha, kristina, goldensunfamily, sophie, janet, mcgillicutty, aimee, sunnymama, jenell, britta, juanita, pamela, inna, daan, myrtille, cris, ibb, jodi, gillian, travelingmama
Ordinary Afters... 