corner view: something old, something new, something borrowed, something blue…

This was a worthwhile treasure hunt for me. I hadn’t kept all of these dear memoirs together. Something about seeing them together again and bathed in the light of our home made me tear up. Or, maybe that’s the something new I’m brewing under my heart. Either way what a lovely little trip back in time. I loved everything about our wedding, what a special day that we were fortunate to share with so many loved ones.

Corner view is a weekly Wednesday date hosted originally hosted by Jane, currently by Francesca. A topic is given and you can see impressions; be it in photographic or poetic in form from around the world: Jane, Dana, Bonny, Joyce, Ian, Francesca, Theresa, Cate, Kasia, Otli, Trinsch, Isabelle, Janis, Kari, jgy, Lise, Dorte, McGillicutty, Sunnymama, Ibb, Kelleyn, Ninja, Sky, RosaMaria, Juniper, Valerie, Sammi, Cole, Don, WanderChow, FlowTops, Tania, Tzivia, Kristin, Laura, Guusje, Susanna, Juana, Elsa, Nadine

Zuzuday: early morning confessions…

 

I thought maybe I had dreamt it. At 4am, I heard the door creak. Just one creak though, before the pitter pat down the moonlit path started. She came in quietly and asked if anyone was awake. I waited silently since she did not seem upset. “I forgot to tell Smart Cat good-night.” She whispered into the darkness.

“It’s ok. He’s ok. Now go back to bed sweetie.” I mumbled back and held my breath. And then, she did.

At 6am on the nose I heard the creak again and a tap-tap on the office door where I sat typing. “Momma, do you remember when I came to tell you about Smart Cat?”

“I do Zuzu. And then you went back to your big-girl bed and stayed in it all night. That’s one more sticker on your chart!”

“Well, actually, I got up at 5 to go potty too, but then I went back to bed and stayed until 6…”

“That’s good- you made a good choice. I’m proud of you little bug!”

It’s hard to stand tough. I almost caved last night. When Lovey was helping the Quail on the potty. A very tired Zuzu started to cry just a little bit about her having to sleep in her own bed. Then something miraculous occurred to her.

“Momma, will Daddy have to sleep somewhere else when your belly is so big it takes up the whole bed?”

“Um, I guess we’ll see if it gets that big.”

More snuffling tears. (From her, not me over my gi-normous belly. At least not yet.)

“How about you take your pillow from our bed and sleep with it tonight. It smells like Momma and Sugarplum. Maybe one of the blankets I’ve been cuddling…” (can you hear the avalanche starting?)

“Ok,,,maybe so.”

“And how about Lambie?”

“No, Sugarplum needs something to cuddle.”

“Ok, night-night baby.”

Fortunately, it was Lovey’s night for all things bedtime. He told me when he finished that she looked at her chart after they went in her room and smiled a little at the thought of her new sticker. That was some comfort after seeing her tears. Once again, we all slept until her entrance at 4am. That seemed to rouse the cat though who then remembered she needed to barf and play with the crinkly things under my side of the bed.

Guess I need to make that cat a chart now…

That was written 2 weeks ago. It’s officially been 2 weeks since we have asked her to sleep in her own bed for the whole night. And for the most part she has done it. There was one more middle of the night entrance into our room and she has consistently gotten up to go potty sometime between 5 and 6 am. And her sister has now started waking at 5:30 am hollering to be taken to the potty as well. And on the weekends the impossible length of time between 6 am and 7 am sends her into tears. Other than that, that, that and that. I’d call it a success.

Of course her first “super prize” she decided on was a Valentine item. I worried on that. I wanted to not let her have it before the full two weeks were up, knowing her penchant for future negotiations. But judging by the heart-ie cuteness of this pink bear I worried equally hard that it might be gone and create a very defeated feeling 5-year-old at the end of two weeks. So we compromised again. We bought the bear during our next market run with the understanding it was to live in Momma’s car until she hit that 14th sticker. She did it! And we are mighty proud.

It isn’t without tears, on any of our parts, or seamless; like just this morning, the Quail hollered her “ooo-ooo” warning of impending poos at 5:30 on the nose. And since the last few poos have left me wondering what crawled up there and died, I felt the need to respond quickly rather than risk the need for a full crib cleaning later today. My entrance into their room before 6 am though, of course resulted in a time report from a wide-awake Zuzu. Which was quickly followed by a speech about the need for her to go potty as well along with a lengthy dissertation on all the reasons she likes Momma & Daddy’s potty since the room smells like Momma, Daddy and Sugarplum, which was then followed by an inquisition as to whether the Quail would be returning to her nest for the next 15 minutes. At which point I felt the odds of anyone actually resting were long gone and made the ill-fated choice to allow everyone full-house access prior to 6am. Ill-fated indeed. And a bit reminiscent of the birthday whining from a couple of weeks ago.  There was an argument over who cleans up the legos, the dropping of a very heavy book about cats on an unsocked toe. A much-too-lengthy discussion over who should get the ice-pack and who needs to go to time-out for hollering “NO” so vehemently at Momma’s requests for help before 6am. And a final decision to not award the sticker for today’s rising.

In the end Momma needed a time-out and two Tylenol herself in order to regain her morning composure before the day had even really started. As soon as I get a minute to myself I think I’m going to back and reread my oh-so-wise warning about not ruminating on the cranks.

In the meantime, let me just suggest for your own self-preservation that you think long and hard about your status as a morning person before accepting any well-intended invitations to stay in our nest. We’re an early flock here.

Quailday: The Quail’s Speech…

  

Which by the way, did you see that movie, “The King’s Speech”? Loved it. So very good. Especially to a family that has some dyspraxia issues of their own going on!

In the last year, I’ve mentioned our multitude of therapeutic interventions regarding speech on behalf of the Quail here and here. When we last left you there was some concern over helping the Quail achieve “Volitional Airflow”, or her ability to make some noise purposefully. We started with Sara Rosenfeld Johnson’s horn hierarchy last summer. By late August we had a toot. The, um, upper respiratory kind. No issues on the lower tract, her and her sister find deep and abiding joy trying to “out-toot” each other. This fall we had a consistent sound coming out of the “pre-horn” and went ahead and ordered the full set of horns. The 1st horn came fairly easy to her in terms of airflow. So, check, we now have volitional airflow.

We have pretty good oral-motor strength as well. We still do daily exercises, but generally speaking, the Quail is capable of chomping the full buffet of toddler foods offered at her school each day, sans drinks. Last summer’s swallow study had let us reduce the thickness of her liquids with the understanding that they must still all be consumed in a cup with her therapeutic straw. If it was cold, then half-nectar thickness would work, if it was room temperature than we are to stick with nectar. We typically mix the drinks up ourselves at home and send them “pre-thickened” into school. It’s just easier for everyone that way.

Last fall we visited the cyber-home of Lisa & Sheridan and became enthralled with their apraxia links and videos. When I watched Sheridan talk, I felt like I was seeing a future Quail. We noted the tools they use to help him with his speech and asked our local SLP to look into Kaufman Cards for us. Since they carry a hefty price tag we wanted to be certain they would fly with our bird before a formal purchase. Generally speaking though, learning by flashcard is the Quail’s go-to for new skills. Our SLP borrowed the local school district set and we started practicing. We then started generalizing the skill to the books we look at routinely. Instead of asking the Quail to say a given word, we started asking her to say an approximation of it with the sounds we know she has already mastered (mostly vowels).

I swear it was like a light-bulb snapped on as her face lit up and she happily chortled back the sounds we were asking for that she already knew she was capable of. It was the first consistent set of vocal imitations we have been able to pry from her.

So what does this look like for her? Take her favorite Dora the Explorer Halloween book. When we flip through it, I’ll point to an object. Previously, I would have said, “Look at the ghost! Can you say ghost?” To which she would have done one of 5 things:

1. Remained silent

2. Thrown the book

3. Shook her head no

4. Gotten up and walked away

5. Smacked me with the book or her hand

Now, after learning about asking for a speech approximation that she can be successful with, instead I’ll say, “Look at the ghost! The ghost says, “booooooo!” Can you say oooooooooo?” And this birdy- She grins and belts out, “OOOOOOOOOO” and cheers for herself.

That folks, is a little bridge of understanding between us and her. So since this discovery we’ve been using the skill wherever we can.  

That all began last October 2011. While she may not hit the target dead-on, she’s been picking up her bow and filing through a steady quiver of arrows. Over the weekend, Zuzu was so delighted in this recent development that she decided to institute doorway passwords. I heard a door close and the Quail go toddling up to it hollering her usual “Da,Da,Da” request to be included. Then I heard Queen Zuzu say, “Nooooooo….if you want to come in, say yellow.” Without missing a beat the Quail whispers her best “ye-yow”. Zuzu then says, “Say raisin!” to which the Quail whispers, “Sai-sen”.  Zuzu adds for good measure, “Say Oval!” That tolerant birdie, whispers “Oval.” Zuzu, who at this point has got to be aware one of the grown-folk are now headed to intervene, adds a final, “Say apple!” to which the Quail says more forcefully as I’m about to open the door between them, “affle!” An odd assortment of words? Um, yes, not entirely clear why these words make it out, and seemingly less complex ones are beyond reach, but thrilled none the less to add them to our regular calendar of dinnertime topics! Queen Zuzu has really been instrumental in drawing little words from her sister. If Zuzu asks her to try to say something, the Quail beaming from the attention of her hero, happily complies.

Then on the night of November 21, 2011- my dear Quail, well she said something so heartwarming I swooned and tucked her in close. I know it was prompted, but after 2 years and 9 months of regular prompting- the first response is still oh so sweet. It was bedtime and as I hugged the Quail close, I whispered in her ear, “Night-night, Love you- say ove ou!” and I felt the breathe of her little words on my neck, “ove ooo”. Swoon…..

The other bittersweet happening over the new year is her clear articulation of the letter m. I know they say m,p and b generally come first, but for her that has not been the case. After months (since last May to be exact) of practicing our girl can say mmmmmm. Which happily has enabled her to say, “Momma”. Sweetness right? The bitter part is this happens to coincide with a round of separation anxiety, which amounts to morning departures that are amplified with the pitiful wailings of, “Momma, momma, wahhhhhhh!!!!!” as I head out to work in the morning. Sigh. Fortunately her oh-so-resourceful Daddy has turned morning time departures into a gathering of well-wishings full of kisses, hugs and cheers for a happy day to each of us and that seemed to quell her anxieties.

As I mentioned, the order in which she’s learned her consonants has been odd. She can do an approximation of almost the entire alphabet consistently now with the exception of P and B, the ones that should have come first. P and B have been coming out as a lip-smack-kissy sound until this January 2012. We’ve tried a multitude of approaches to correct this including the Apraxia shapes that gave us the sound mmmmm, ooooo, ooohhhh and ahhhh. But our bird would just kiss on the P and B shapes. Fortunately we had a program plan update planned for January 2012 with Sara Rosenfeld Johnson. Since Sara last saw her in May 2011, she has also improved her lip closure and rounding for function and now has adequate tongue retraction during function and at rest. Essentially, despite her difficulty with clarity she has become more willingly chatty. Despite all of the noted improvements p and b remain somewhat elusive to her. And as charming as her kissy version of them is, we have been mystified as to how to correct it.

I know many folks in the Ds community think that we are over-analyzing her difficulty talking. That it is just the Down syndrome itself causing the delay. The literature says that expressive speech is not fully articulated till closer to 4-6 years of age. And our bird doesn’t turn 3 until the latter part of February 2012. The problem for us is that the Quail seems to have lost speech in the last year. The Down syndrome literature does not say anything about that. And throughout all of our IFSPs our EI has always said when she starts to slip in an area then we need to consider why that is. In every other developmental area the Quail has made leaps and bounds, either maintaining her developmental age range or in the case of cognitive, social and self-help leaping up a few months. Speech is the one area that has slipped. So we’ve talked with our SLP and with SRJ about the possibility of apraxia being the culprit. Her receptive language this fall measured 98 on the PLS 5. When you remove her sign language from the expressive equation her score dropped from 82 to 77 giving her an overall total language score of 89 with sign and 86 without. Sara felt that this drop was not significant enough for a full-fledged apraxia diagnosis when we saw her in Jan 2012. It was concerning that her receptive is outpacing her expressive. Since she now has all the other necessary components for expressive speech we are left to think that her severe motor planning disorder is manifesting as a speech dyspraxia. This makes sense as we think back over how her other developmental skills have developed. She generally has a great deal of difficulty performing any given task (crawling, walking, signing, feeding herself, playing with toys) until she’s been able to go over the act in a repetitive fashion for a number of weeks to months. Once she has it firmly under her belt, we don’t hear complaints, tantrums or refusals from her anymore.

This girl knows what she knows and also what she doesn’t know and let me tell you, she does not want to be put on display with what she doesn’t know. And frankly, who can blame her? Do any of us enjoy that?

So in January at our PPU with SRJ, we explained how perplexed we were over the P/B mystery. Sara watched us practice the first horn with her and immediately noted that although we had her blowing it up to almost 25 times in a row, we weren’t removing it from her mouth between blows. She needed to do this in order to move her mouth in the proper way to get a p or b sound out. She also gave us a new activity with our z-vibe and the yellow spoon tip (hoping that the yellow color would eventually generalize her back over to the yellow apraxia shape) that was both fun for her and silly. We would turn on the vibration and utter a “b” sound as we tapped it on her leg and arm working our way up to her lips where she could purse them on the spoon and then produce the sound herself. I tell you it was like magic. I would say it was within days of this correction that we started hearing her attempts at quiet little b sounds. Now she giggles and tells us which leg to start the z-vibe on. She doesn’t always produce the b sound, but her consistency is growing. For now we are focusing on the B.

That’s the long and short of it. Since this burst of inspiration we’ve also started adding her school buddies name into the fold of dinnertime conversations asking if she has played with one child or another that day. You can totally see her eyes light us as we make our way around to her favorite, “Mariah” as she grins, giggles and utters “Ry-a”!!!! Now as to whether her and Mariah played nicely or met in Thunderdome that day, well that’s a story for another day.

sunday still life

Sunday Still Life is an evolving photography project; a weekly invitation to pause the busy of our days, to re-center and celebrate the beauty and depth of life. If you are inspired to join in, please leave a link in Erin’s comments.

I like pretty, content images. No doubt about it. I know some blog readers frown on that. They find it inauthentic. I don’t. I see no point in publishing and dwelling on the moments that are hard. Once I’ve reflected on them and had a chance to learn from them then maybe. But not in the moment. Because you know what- the hard moments, the ugly, angry, frustrating ones, they are no more important to me then the good ones. Why would I want to give them any more power than they already had in that moment? They aren’t the ones I want to dwell on and remember in the years to come. They aren’t want I want to look back over when I’m in my rocking chair sharing a childhood with a new child. Fact is, those angry moments pass. Just as quickly as “fleeting happiness” if you let it. It’s the choice to ruminate that makes it last all the longer in your life.

That said, no, it’s not all roses. This is the one picture from my birthday this year. I turned 39 on a weekday. My loving family, friends and co-workers remembered me and wished me well. I received wonderful, thoughtful gifts, flowers, a tasty dinner of roast and asparagus and cake. I know I’m a lucky girl.

See that little girl screaming over to the side of me? Yeah, well her sister had been sobbing minutes earlier. Lovey, had taken them to the bakery to pick up my cake that morning and she somehow took it to heart that the cake was to be a surprise for me. She had been disappointed earlier in the morning when I hadn’t jumped out of bed at 5:30 am to have N shaped pancakes and plow through my wrapped gifts. I knew it was sad for her. It was sad for me too. I had just failed my 1 hour glucose test and was scheduled to have my 3 hour that morning. I had oh, so carefully scheduled it for the morning of my birthday knowing full well that there was a chance I might not pass, but odds were I wouldn’t get the results before indulging in a slice of the yummy, chocolatey, fondanty, cake I knew was coming. I thought I was sooooo clever.

Two months earlier my high-risk OB had said I had jumped through all his hoops with flying colors and there was no real need for me to come back, but if it would reassure me we could do a growth scan in February. I scheduled that the day before my birthday because it was supposed to be a joyful, ordinary 3D ultrasound where Lovey and I could just sit back and enjoy Sugarplum’s miraculous in-utero image without worry. A birthday treat for myself if you will. And then came the regular OB appointment in January. Where both I and Sugarplum appeared to be growing about 3-5 weeks faster than anticipated and the worry returned. So even though my glucose tests weren’t back, the high-risk OB warned me to cut down carbs dramatically, that even if I “happened” to pass the 3 hour glucose test I was to eat like I was diabetic for the remainder of my pregnancy. The standards had changed in terms of what is considered gestationally diabetic and in review of my last two pregnancies, in hindsite, I most likely had GD during them. I cried a tear or two after that talk. There went my carefully planned cake.

The next day, when Zuzu heard Lovey utter the word “cake” in front of me after an ENTIRE day of her not having said anything about it she lost it. Birthday ruined. No pancakes, no grown-ups rushing to open gifts, no party hats, school and work as usual and now no surprise cake. Her upset tipped the apple cart of imagined calm amidst the chaos of our weekdays and the Quail lost it as well. She lost it to the point of no return and the need to be removed from the table to calm down, which unfortunately seemed to have the opposite effect of calming and seemed to convince her there was not going to be any cake for her either. Over the course of that day, I think I heard the refrain, ” It’s Mommie’s birthday, Mommie’s, you need to be nice to her and calm down.” dozens of times.

So no, life isn’t all roses. But there are some frosting roses to enjoy in there if you care to think back hard enough and look for them in the picture.

And now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go wipe up the pee-pee puddle the almost-3 year old left in the living room after one week of being completely dry at school, put away the pile of stuffed animals that the 5 year old pulled out for a third time after being told to put them away after she was done playng with them, find the Resolve to wash the stain of cat vomit off the hall carpet, try to stretch in a way that will hopefully convince Sugarplum to stop bouncing on my bladder and hopefully locate the pile of gifts I thoughtlessly left in the living room after I finally opened them late that night that seem to have disappeared.

And incidentally, the beautiful cake molded before I could get to it after receiving word that I did miraculously pass the 3 hour glucose test. But Lovey promised me a “push cake” once Sugarplum safely arrives. It’s the little things, no?

gratitude

1. Passing the 3 hour GTT!!!!!!!!!

2. a little perspective through editing

3. making others feel good when they were making sure you were ok

4. Emerald Cinnamon Roast Almonds

5. feeling a little less vulnerable

6. feeling pretty stinkin lucky

7. a 5 year old who is normally scared during most movies letting you know she’s ok

8. weekend naps

9. Lovey’s constant help

10. little shows of confidence

11. lunch with buddies

12. Flat Stanley

13. sleep

14. laying down

15. 5 days dry for an almost 3 year old

16. long pick-ups

17. 2 weeks sleeping in her own bed for Miss Zuzu

18. baby name suggestions from Zuzu

19. high protein/low carb treats

20. berries and whipped cream

21. my muu-muu

sunday still life

Sunday Still Life is an evolving photography project; a weekly invitation to pause the busy of our days, to re-center and celebrate the beauty and depth of life. If you are inspired to join in, please leave a link in Erin’s comments.

See her over there? The littlest gymnast? Eyeing that rope right alongside the big kids? Yeah, that’s our little daredevil. A couple of weeks ago she passed her neck X-ray looking for atlanto-axial instability which is common in little ones with Down syndrome with flying colors. To celebrate Lovey signed her up for the parent/tot gymnastics class at the school her sister goes to. Apparantly she dug it. Other than a little perplexed look crossing her face at the closing “wiggle” dance the others perfomed. But I’m sure that’s coming.

This weekend we brought her along to a birthday party for some bigger kids that her sister was looking forward to. We assumed she wouldn’t actually participate but figured she could bounce on the littler trampolines while her sister joined in the festivities. Girlfriend was not to be left out. We grown-ups got swiped at when we tried to prevent her from cutting in line for her turn and run away from when we tried to keep this squirt out of the way of the bigger gymnasts.

This rope though? Clearly she was too small for that. But no, she wiggled her way out of Lovey’s arms to plant herself firmly next. And when Lovey and the teacher lifted her up to it she hung on for dear life and giggled her way across the mat, proud as anything!

She’s a constant reminder, this little firecracker of ours to not make ANY assumptions of what another human being is capable of. Give em a chance for pete’s sake!

And I’m pretty sure she just earned herself her very own gymnastics party to celebrate all 3 years of her yummy self!

gratitude

1. Pappa’s seared steak

2. tiny quesadilla’s

3. chocolatey birthday cake

4. a back massage during a glucose test

5. a Lovey heading out to restock the pantry in light of an OB’s recommendations

6. berries and cream as the new go to dessert

7. lunch with buddies after a charitable contribution

8. lunch with buddies that included a  surprise birthday dessert

9. thoughts of a move to Greenville

10. the anticipation of a new Captain Underpants in the family

11. busy little girls

12. Sugarplum really being a sugar pumpkin

13. a slight smile from a baby in-utero

14. coffee with cream- Doctor’s orders!

15. showing my baby other’s babies in preparation for a new baby

16. a little trim for Zuzu

17. a 5 year old’s nearly exploding excitement over Momma’s birthday

18. so many birthday well wishes

19. Lovey’s thoughtful gift in honor of Sugarplum

20. steak and asparagus for a birthday dinner

21. my new spring muu-muu

fave-O-lit friday

The Flower

Alfred Lord Tennyson              

Once in a golden hour   I cast to earth a seed. Up there came a flower, The people said, a weed.

To and fro they went   Thro’ my garden-bower, And muttering discontent   Cursed me and my flower.

Then it grew so tall It wore a crown of light, But thieves from o’er the wall   Stole the seed by night.

Sow’d it far and wide   By every town and tower, Till all the people cried   `Splendid is the flower.’

Read my little fable:   He that runs may read. Most can raise the flowers now,   For all have got the seed.

And some are pretty enough,   And some are poor indeed; And now again the people   Call it but a weed.