Five Minute Friday: Enough

Joining Lisa-Jo Baker’s friday ritual of a five minute writing exercise on a topic she gives. If you care to join in come here.

Go:

“Enough!”

I look down and see a tear start in her eye and feel one start in my heart. I am tired. Tired and not able to hear Zuzu’s needs at the speed in which they zoom from her brain to her heart to her mouth.  I say it too often. I think it daily. I feel it when I need to lie down just for a few more minutes. At 6:05 am, when the chatter is next to my ear before I’ve even had time to say good-bye to my dream and caffeinate for the day ahead. At 8:19pm, when I intended for them to be in bed already snoring softly. When one child’s crying lets up just as the cascade of the other’s tremolo starts up. Before I can tell myself I have said it enough; the words hang in the air. Really, enough with my words, my thoughts. I want it to be. I want the energy needed to stay present and focused. I want my brain to stop crying from the oversort it needs to do to filter in what they really are asking for. What they really are saying to me. I know years from now; months from now, it won’t be enough. It never is. I bend down, I wipe her tear from her eye, apologize and ask Zuzu to repeat what she just said. She smiles. She hugs my neck and bounds off…

Stop.

Mommaday is Officially Sugarplum Day!

She’s here! We made it to induction day and traveled to the hospital to deliver our dear Sugarplum Chrysanthemum! She was born on Monday, April 9, 2012 at 3:02pm. She was 8 lb, 6 oz and 21.06 inches long. She currently has a head full of dark hair tipped with white. Although, if history is repeat itself that won’t last long around here. She is a plum of a baby. Absolutely perfect. Her delivery was both the most simple and traumatic of the 3 for me. The important thing though is that she is here safe and sound now and we are spending our days getting to know each other and plumping up the dimples in her hands and dinner rolls on her legs and arms. To date she eats, sleeps and snuggles like an A-1 baby. We are all quite smitten and the saddest thing I can say is that I barely get time to hold her for all the willing hands. We were blessed to have my mother here for us and to care for the girls while we were at the hospital and be with us both before and after delivery. We are tremendously sad she went home today but also looking forward to Lovey’s parents turn to fall in love with this newest little kitten. All is well here. We have a picture from her birthday and then a one week old angelic portrait. Sigh….smitten doesn’t say the half of it….

Mommaday: Separation Anxiety

…namely mine….last week, one evening when I was getting the Quail ready for bed it finally occured to me to tell her directly that pretty soon Momma and Daddy would be going to the doctor to get Baby Sugarplum out of Momma’s belly and that it would take a couple of days and while we were gone she and Zuzu would stay with Gramma here and play.

We talk about it around her all the time. Zuzu is clear what is going to happen and buried deeply in her own set of plans for those special days. If she wants the guest bed or her own bed while Gramma is here. Whether Gramma will wake up early with her. Which books she wants Gramma to read to her, what decorations to use when they make a Bunny Cake and where is our stack of blank cards so she can make us all one

I’ve just never taken the time to say it directly to the Quail, this process of bringing this baby we pat and kiss daily from my belly into our world. Oh it broke my heart- she made her saddest face with the little bottom lip bird-perched out and hugged me so tight and then patted my belly. I swear we underestimate what she understands at least 10 times a day.

I’m glad I brought it up though, since then we have thought to talk about that part of it with her regularly. Zuzu recalls when we left how she hid under the kitchen table and hugged her babydoll tight and stayed there until Gramma joined her under. She’s been calculating if they will all fit this time.

It’s just so pitiful when the Quail misses me now because she can say Momma so she cries it- even if I’m just late to tuck her in to bed or after I leave for work in the morning. If Lovey gets her up after a night’s sleep I can her her little Momma chant echoing down the hall.

Poor little lamb. It’s hard to say who is going to miss whom most…

Mommaday: Sugarplum’s wonderings and fencemendings…

 

I can still claim Sugarplum updates under Mommaday for  a little while longer right?

Let me first say that, while I’ve kept a running tally of Sugarplum updates for myself, I hadn’t previously shared them on the blog. So we’re going to be covering a whole series of months at a time now just to get her caught up with her fans…

Beginning with this past Fall into Winter:

The week of 11/20 also brought along with it a new baby growth spurt that has the littlest one kicking and tumbling at regular intervals throughout the day. I noticed a couple of busy times on Sunday, but when I sat down at my desk on Monday morning the fun began with little kick-fests every few hours. The week before had also brought along with it a new little surge of nausea. Not bad, but every afternoon that week I was certain to find myself reaching for a quarter Zofran again. Which after a 3 week interlude from the need for it was noticeable if not troublesome.

Dear Sugarplum is quickly becoming a daily part of our conversations with the girls. Zuzu, in true Zu-form has taken to expressing her unabashed love for the sister she cannot wait to meet. I think it might be her best attribute; this kind welcoming of littles into our lives. When she was in her 2-year-old year she took to holding my hair back as I barfed on a daily basis. And if my hair was already up, she’d stand by nibbling her gummies and offer me one when I finished up! She often showed such loving kindness. In the evenings she would chatter on about the baby Quail, sing her lullabies and cover up my belly with her blankets. When her sister came home from the hospital it brought tears to my hormonally charged eyes to see her kind, cautious cuddles of the new baby. I’ve seen very little jealousy from that child in the past 3 years, her pure acceptance, and frankly- out-right requests for more siblings is such a joy. While the origins of Sugarplum’s in-utero name is a bit of a mystery, it couldn’t have been better timed. Last night we sat on the couch reading a Little Critter’s version of “The night before Christmas” and as we reached the page where visions of Sugarplum danced in those critter’s heads, Zuzu reached out for a quick snuggle of my belly. As the spring flowers have shown their floppy heads early this year she’s tacked on Chrysanthemum as her middle name, “Just like I  have a flower name!” she clarifies with her heart-filled rationale. Each morning and night she whispers sweet nothings and greetings and wishes to this dear belly and tries in earnest to feel the responsive kicks from her not-so-little sister. The Quail seems to be going along with “the game.” She’ll grin and sign baby when I point to my belly, but I’m quite sure she thinks we’ve all gone completely mad in our having named and repeated crowings over Momma’s tum. Not to be outdone though, it’s become her quick little habit to hug and kiss my belly anytime Big Sis does.

On 12/20, I sat at my desk finishing up my morning coffee when what to my wondering eye’s should appear? But a quick little jab of an elbow from my newest little dear. In all seriousness though, I grinned like a loon down at my belly as I saw the first little pokes of her limbs push up through my incapsulated abdomen. What a treat! What a gift this little plum of a girl is for all of us. The funny part for the next few days has been looking up into the hall outside my fishbowl of an office to see a passersby trying not to stare at my giggling self as I watch her roam the inside of my belly.

Another little oddity with this pregnancy is that this little one seems to be taking me full circle around to my pre-breeder days. I remember my mother telling me that her feet grew in a permanent fashion over the course of her pregnancies. At some point between the girls I noticed that my left foot became a wee bit larger than my right. Not quite a half-size up, but enough that I couldn’t count on knowing if a shoe would fit solely based on its assigned size. Well the other day the strap on my everyday shoes broke off. So at lunch time in my 23rd week I made a happy run to ROSS for a cheap replacement. I perused the row of size eights and finding none, glanced over at the eight and a halfs. There was one pair, that was not only 8 ½, but labeled as wide that looked like a suitable replacement for my everyday shoes. I pushed my left foot in and realizing it felt a little lose started to put them back on the shelf, when I stopped to make sure my known size 8 foot wouldn’t  fit the bill my jaw fell open. It fit even tighter then my left foot! I’ve a few more months to see if this is a permanent change or just temporary swelling, but I have to say it will be nice to have my feet measure the same size once again!

I’ve also had a noticeable change came to my pallet where previously I had sung the praises of the hoppiest of beers with a clear mind that someday Lovey and I would tour Belgium to indulge in their finest. Then along came Zuzu, and with her release from my womb went the love of all things hoppy. It was such a strange feeling to have a flavor I had come to identify with as tasty happiness turn bitter in my mouth. I couldn’t explain it, I mourned it and then moved on to sing the praises of the nut-brown ale. During Zuzu’s pregnancy, I had very few cravings- the only memorable one was for plain, crunchy ground beef and cheese tacos. Nothing that signified the coming change to my pallet of preferences.

When I was growing the Quail I remember continuing to enjoy those tacos, but that seemed a matter of course once again. Something expected as a natural part of pregnancy. When I saw the two little pink lines this time around, I wondered how many tacos I might consume in the coming year and then noted halfway through that I hadn’t craved a single one. Then on the day I turned 23 weeks a family friend sent me home with a beer that was “too hoppy” to enjoy for Lovey. I watched him pour it and declare it, “Not bad!” While he will drink a hoppy beer, it has never been his first choice, only his indulgence to his wife. So I ambled over to smell it and couldn’t help but take a quick taste. Then one more, and once again, what to my wondering nose should appear- but a happy, hoppy heady feeling on my tongue! Not the blasted bitterness of a vinegar cursed beer as I had come to see the hoppy Belgians. I see a celebratory Chimay in my springy future!

Now comes Sugarplum’s early gifts to her Poppa, while I generally find comfort in fairly bland food, this little one somehow created a craving for spicy. Specifically Indian food. From the buffet down the street from my work. Early on in the fall of 2011, I started a regular habit of begging Lovey and a good friend to come with me for a weekly meal or two. When that friend moved, I sighed and went in alone when Lovey couldn’t come routinely. Fortunately, that isn’t often the case. He takes his duties as impending father to a new life quite seriously and is more than happy to go with my food whims at the drop of a hat.  Whether that’s a last minute call for the need for Indian food, a frantic on the way home from work call for him to find me a steak or the queasy request for all the leftover chicken in the house to be disposed of before I get home. Lovey has always loved Indian food and I’ve always said, I’d rather not to his invitations. What a little fence-mender this baby is!

sunday still life

Sunday Still Life is an evolving photography project; a weekly invitation to pause the busy of our days, to re-center and celebrate the beauty and depth of life. If you are inspired to join in, please leave a link in Erin’s comments

Zuzu was sick this past week. It occurs so infrequently now that it always surprises me when it does happen. I still get that momentary heart racing when I see the daycare’s number on my caller ID and hear the description of how pale she looks. Fortunately, her little immune system is so strongly built-up from all of those early-on illnesses that she seems to be able to fight off most bugs with a single swoop! Her first year of life that most certainly was not the case. Poor lamb spent the months from May through October on one antibiotic after another and in between battling the side-effects that came along with the dosage. And I’m sorry to say that her mother was a worrywart/basketcase during a good bit of that period as well. In the last year, I have realized I rarely see her with a runny nose let alone a fever or stomach bug. Whew.

That said, daycare called this week while Lovey was out of town to say she had thrown up. Literally, 30 minutes before the call I had heard on the news that Norovirus outbreaks were four times as frequent in our state this season. I thought for sure we were in for a LONG weekend. And not the good kind. No though. We got lucky and as soon as I got her home, showered and tucked in to bed with a cup of water she turned into that cheery sort of sick that lets me know she actually feels pretty all right. All right enough for her chatter to detail instructions for me from what she calls  “the sick kids book” as to the expected progression of how often she could have sips of water and bits of dry cereal. She let me know that would lead up to a plain lunch she could keep down and then moved on to contemplate which “sick animals and blankie” she would keep on the bed for comfort and which PBSkids shows could keep her company while she rested. I much prefer this bossy-cheery sort of sick to those early days where the mere thought of the responsibility of a sick baby overwhelmed me as much as her cries did.

There is something about childhood illness, even the banal ones, that makes you wish your own mother were there with you as your little ones reach out their sweaty hands to you for comfort. I think it is in those moments that it is clearest that the roles have been forever altered. You now are the comforter.

 This time as she drifted off to sleep in the midday sun she smiled contentedly and suggested that I be sure to lay down too so Sugarplum could get a good nap while she napped in Momma-Daddy’s room and the Quail napped on at school and Daddy napped at his hotel. I happily complied under her guidance in how best to make her feel better. My heart now able to soar rather than race.